As many of you know, in a few days time I will be giving away my daughter Penelope at her wedding to Jim. I now place before you a piece of nonsense I originally posted back in June of last year which I thought seemed timely. Many of you were gracious enough to comment last time, so you are excused on this occasion!.
Having had three weddings, you would assume I've had enough experience to write a book on the subject.Wrong! Possibly a book on how to get it wrong would be an easier task!
I therefore place before you 12 hints that the groom should bear in mind based on personal experience. There could have been 13, but that would have been asking for bad luck!
2. Turn up at the right venue. Sounds obvious, but it's an easy mistake to make especially if you've had a drink or twenty the night before. There's nothing worse than turning up at the wrong wedding and attempting to steal someone else's bride!
3. Make sure your best man has the ring. Do not under any circumstances give it to him the night before, or he may use it to obtain credit at the tenth bar you stagger in to.
4. Very important this. Whatever you do, don't get a fit of the giggles during the vows. I suggest you avoid looking into your brides eyes during this part, especially during the bit about procreation.
5. The next obstacle is the reception. You are expected to join a line and make inane small talk with your guests. Trouble is, who do you kiss and who do you not. Clearly kissing old uncle Albert is not a good idea, but the tedium of this ritual sometimes lulls you away into your private thoughts, and you can easily plant a smacker on the wrong cheek!
6. Assuming everything has gone alright up to now, make a point of treating every guest as a long lost friend or relative even if you have no idea who they are. Try however not to enter into conversation. This is a minefield. Saying to someone that she doesn't look old enough to be your bride's grandmother only to discover she's actually her long lost sister, is not a good way to ingratiate yourself with her family.
7. This is also important. Avoid kissing the chief bridesmaid on the lips, however friendly you were the night before. Could be a bit of a giveaway!
8. Speech should be a doddle. They will laugh at anything you say. This is where you thank the bridesmaids, not in private later.
9. Then the first dance. Nightmare for anyone like me with two left feet. It is also wise to dance with your newly acquired mother in law. Be careful however where you place your hands. Don't want to give the impression that you have anything irregular in mind.
10. Don't have too much to drink. This is not the place for announcing home truths - it could cause problems, and a fist fight at a wedding is not a good start to your life of married bliss.
11. Almost over and you can relax until the time comes to carry her over the threshold. Try not to drop her, and under no circumstances suggest she joins Weight Watchers.
12. Enjoy the happiest day of your life - again! Here's to the next one!