Saturday, August 02, 2008

A word in your ear dear boy!

As many of you know, in a few days time I will be giving away my daughter Penelope at her wedding to Jim. I now place before you a piece of nonsense I originally posted back in June of last year which I thought seemed timely. Many of you were gracious enough to comment last time, so you are excused on this occasion!.
Having had three weddings, you would assume I've had enough experience to write a book on the subject.Wrong! Possibly a book on how to get it wrong would be an easier task!

I therefore place before you 12 hints that the groom should bear in mind based on personal experience. There could have been 13, but that would have been asking for bad luck!

1. Always remember what your bride looks like, particularly if you have been married several times before. I carry a photo to the ceremony just in case.

2. Turn up at the right venue. Sounds obvious, but it's an easy mistake to make especially if you've had a drink or twenty the night before. There's nothing worse than turning up at the wrong wedding and attempting to steal someone else's bride!

3. Make sure your best man has the ring. Do not under any circumstances give it to him the night before, or he may use it to obtain credit at the tenth bar you stagger in to.

4. Very important this. Whatever you do, don't get a fit of the giggles during the vows. I suggest you avoid looking into your brides eyes during this part, especially during the bit about procreation.

5. The next obstacle is the reception. You are expected to join a line and make inane small talk with your guests. Trouble is, who do you kiss and who do you not. Clearly kissing old uncle Albert is not a good idea, but the tedium of this ritual sometimes lulls you away into your private thoughts, and you can easily plant a smacker on the wrong cheek!
6. Assuming everything has gone alright up to now, make a point of treating every guest as a long lost friend or relative even if you have no idea who they are. Try however not to enter into conversation. This is a minefield. Saying to someone that she doesn't look old enough to be your bride's grandmother only to discover she's actually her long lost sister, is not a good way to ingratiate yourself with her family.

7. This is also important. Avoid kissing the chief bridesmaid on the lips, however friendly you were the night before. Could be a bit of a giveaway!

8. Speech should be a doddle. They will laugh at anything you say. This is where you thank the bridesmaids, not in private later.

9. Then the first dance. Nightmare for anyone like me with two left feet. It is also wise to dance with your newly acquired mother in law. Be careful however where you place your hands. Don't want to give the impression that you have anything irregular in mind.

10. Don't have too much to drink. This is not the place for announcing home truths - it could cause problems, and a fist fight at a wedding is not a good start to your life of married bliss.

11. Almost over and you can relax until the time comes to carry her over the threshold. Try not to drop her, and under no circumstances suggest she joins Weight Watchers.

12. Enjoy the happiest day of your life - again! Here's to the next one!


  1. Congrats Father of the Bride!
    Our daughter married four years ago - she and her dapper dad looked made a lovely picture coming down the aisle.
    May she and her intended have many years of marital bliss.
    As for you - mind you don't have too many at the pub!

  2. here's to hoping you didn't have to learn all of these from first hand experience!!!!!

    cheers to your daughter and future son in law....

  3. Oh goog God I am rolling on the floor reading this.

    Funny thinf is I know a guy who showed up at the wrong wedding. Wasn't his fault. His best man had been at a wedding there the week before and the poor groom was so nervous he didn't even notice and just ran inside. According to the best man it was quite comical to see the faces of everyone in the church as a second groom came running up the aisle.


  4. Congratulations How exciting. Wish you all a great day. Thanks for the marvelous advice. :)

  5. aaah, the humour, thanks for the giggle this sunday morning...

  6. Rofl. .That was hilarious. . .These instances could make a very nice movie :-)
    Congratulations on you daughter's wedding :-)

  7. Great advise tinged with your signature humour all over it.

    I can't help but smile in each of the pointers at some point I was laughing mad.

    You never fail to deliver, Keith.

    Congratulations to your daughter and her husband and to you for having a new son.

    I wish you well.

    ~ Jeques

  8. Keith I know the excitement must be building. You will do fine giving your daughter away. Take the time to enjoy and savour the moments. These things past to quickly.


  9. haha Great/ adorable advice! I will need to print that for my boys if they ever get hitched! YOur daughter is GORGEOUS! what a beautiful couple they make Keith!
    Lot's of love and happiness to all! xo

  10. Excellent tips. Having been married twice myself, I could probably add a few, but they wouldn't be any better.
    Hope everything goes well this weekend. (08/08/08 right?)

  11. The Father of the Bride oh one of my fave movies. It now has become reality for you. I can't wait to see the pics. Wish them all the happiness in the world for me. Have fun.

  12. Are you back yet? *waits*



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