Friday, January 11, 2008

(Fiction) Friday and Sunday Scriblings!

I've been greedy this week! I've done two contrasting pieces for (Fiction) Friday. I can't mention the prompt because it will spoil the punchlines! These are swiftly followed by my Sunday Scribblings contribution.
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The first

Her consultant gave her a clean bill of health. For five long years she had ridden a see-saw of soaring elation followed by dark depths of despair. Once her days were numbered. Then she was in remission. Just as she began to put her illness behind her she was told things had taken an unexpected turn for the worse. Then sorry, it was a false alarm. And so it went on. Until today.

Today things were different. Today she knew that she had the final answer. Today she smiled. Her consultant smiled. For five long years they had shared moments of soaring elation followed by dark depths of despair. Now they knew beyond doubt it was over. The end of an unchosen relationship. So close had they become that through tears of mutual relief they said as one – ‘I never want to see you again!!’
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The second
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‘Don’t even think about it’ she said in a menacing half whisper. ‘I’m going to ask you just once. Will you please let go of my wrists?’ His grip tightened and she stared at him through half closed eyes. ‘Let GO’ she yelled, momentarily causing to loosen his grip. She ran backwards until she found herself with her back to the wall. As he prowled toward her she said in a measured tone ‘It’s over. I told you it’s OVER’
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‘Let go of my hair you bastard. Let go NOW’ she screamed. She kneed him in the groin and he crumpled to the floor. She ran for the door and fumbled with lock.’ Open damn you - OPEN’ she screeched.
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He climbed to his feet and with demon eyes he began to lurch toward her. Again she attacked him, this time with the full force of her foot. Again he fell to the floor writhing in pain. She punched and kicked the door and suddenly it swung open.
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She pulled the ring from her finger and flung at him. Dashing out into the street she turned back and pointed her finger at him. ‘I never – EVER - want to see you again’.


This is my little bit of nonsense based on this weeks Sunday Scribblings prompt - 'Date'

He was so excited! For years he has seen his older sister preening herself before her mirror in preparation for her latest date! Now it was his turn!
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It was to be his first date. His rite of passage into manhood! Ok, he was only five feet tall and had a chin as smooth as a baby’s bum! But now it was time to put away his Action man and claim his own personal Barbie doll!
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What to wear. Now there’s a problem. Until today he put on whatever his Mum chose for him. But today, for the first time in his life, HE was going to decide! Should it be the laid back look with jeans and a tee shirt, or that smart pair of Chinos he had refused to acknowledge when he was given them back in the summer.
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He looked at his hair. It never seemed important until today. He turned his head one way then the other. Should he go get the kitchen scissors and lop off the bit that always stuck up at the back? Sudden horror! That zit! It wasn’t there this morning. Why did it choose today to glow like a beacon on his nose?
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He felt sick. His stomach gurgled. He felt giddy. Pull yourself together! Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Your grown up life.
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He swaggered up the road toward the park. He glanced at his watch. Would she be waiting for him? Would he be first to arrive? Nearly there.
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He walked over to third bench on the right beside the duck pond. She wasn’t there yet, but then he was a little early. Ten minutes later he was still waiting. But then girls like to keep boys waiting. At least, that’s what his sister told him.
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The sun went down. The playground emptied and the ducks swam back to the island.
He sniffed as he tried to stop a tear trickling down his cheek. It was true what they said about girls. He should have listened to his mates. He should have gone with them this evening. They were finishing the camp they were building in the woods. They were having fun. He had been stood up on his first date.

37 comments:

  1. Hopped over from Sunday Scribblings...poor guy. My heart aches for him.

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  2. First, love the F.F. posts. They are both very rich in the telling.

    Second, aauuuwww!!

    Great job.

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  3. Poor little fella in the first date!
    I want to believe he showed up on Friday, when it should have been Saturday!!
    Clean bill of health, excellent story!
    The second story, I am missing something, my brain has shut down, I just don't get it!!!
    Who was the guy climbing the wall???

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  4. Angie and Chris - thanks so much for your comments

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  5. I love all three of these short stories and they all tie into one another very nicely. I have to say I feel sorry for the young guy getting stood up on his very first date. Well better luck next time and just think maybe that beacon on his nose will be gone and he will be the handsome prince getting his perfect Barbie doll.

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  6. Little Wing - sorry if I confused you! You have me worried now!It was her husband ( ex- husband!) Perhaps I need to revisit the story

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  7. You are a wonderful story teller, Keith. Your words bring pictures to the readers mind and in a very few short lines, you have us all invested emotionally.
    Well done!
    By the way, I hope you don't mind, I fell in love with your fish and had to get some myself.
    Take care
    Tory

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  8. Great stories as always Keith, plus I adore your tribute to Rosey, what a darling she is!

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  9. Come read my FF post.

    I like both your posts. You write short fiction rather well. I go nuts trying to write prose piecec. To think, I start out as a prose writer.

    Yet to write a Date post!

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  10. Happy Friday. I enjoyed the first one and have known someone who lived a similar moment. It's a nice turn on the normal meaning of the prompt line.

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  11. Loved all three stories, the "Date" one though was the best for me. :)

    Rose

    xo

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  12. The first one was the best for me...I havent attempted it yet, been head deep in work, will have to catch up on all your other pieces too, on my way there.

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  13. Hi Keith, I like the first one especially - I had a few vague ideas when coming up with the prompt, and one of them was that the line "I never want to see you again" used in a non-confrontational way - like the way there is no malice to it, that the depth of emotion between these two people is so great that the line could only be a good thing!

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  14. I love all three of these. Nice separate little shorts that tie into one another nicely. Nicely done!

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  15. I like the third one - Date. I imagined a freckle-face kid with braces, standing sadly waiting for a date.

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  16. I liked the date one - especially the line about putting away his Action Man and claiming his own barbie doll.

    The first story was a great take (a positive take) on I never want to see you again. And the second - whilst I wasn't married, was in a similar type position with a very nasty man who just didn't 'get' "I never want to see you again!"

    Thanks for stopping by to read my story!

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  17. My first time here - came over from Sunday Scribblings - I was so hopeful for this little dude and then so sad. *sniff* poor fella.

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  18. Great shorts! Couldn't pick a fave and fortunately I don't have to. I'll just like them ALL!

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  19. Your fiction carries so much truth. So well written. I'm glad Little Wing doesn't get the second one, because I do!

    Wonderful Sunday scribbling, but I kept hoping the girl would show up in the end. So sad!

    You really do deserve blog of the world award, congratulations Keith!

    Hugs Giggles

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  20. Great short stories. Poor guy who got stood up on his first date! I fed your fish, but I think that 2 of them (red and turquoise) are dead. :(

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  21. Loved both the stories. The first makes you want to react, while the second one, brings a knowing smile and feel like saying....welcome, to the world of life...



    Is it ok to roll you on the blog?

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  22. prats - I would be honoured to appear on your blog roll!But only on the condition that I can add yours to mine!

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  23. Keith, I had read your date post before this. I am reading it again!

    It is painful when a date does not show up. Especially for a teenager. You depicted that very well.

    I have linked you to my blog.

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  24. Oooh.I feel bad for the guy going to his first date. I bet we can all relate to him in some way. On my first date, I didn't know it was a date. I thought we were going out as a group of friends to see the movie Top Gun and then have pizza. But, I found out it was a double date.

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  25. Well written pieces with lots of emotion. Enjoyed Rosey stories too!

    Nice to meet you!

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  26. my, my you';'ve been busy..i still have to start on these!!!

    i loved all the three..the first was interesting...i too had visualized a scene where its non malicious...let's see...

    ummm..can i ...add you to my blog roll....pls ?

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  27. Oh, my, I was right there with that young chap preparing for his date...and then! Great story teller you are. You captured this age-old dilemma so well.
    Thanks for visiting my blog.

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  28. OH NO! Your poor little chap stood up on his first date. I loved your descriptions, and I am so sad for that young man.

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  29. Thinking aloud

    I would be honoured to appear on your bogroll. But only if I can pop you onto mine!

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  30. I love your first FF. I was trying to think of one to write that has a happy ending and couldn't... but you did... in a wonderful way!!!

    Dee
    http://pavinganewroad.wordpress.com/

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  31. No "personal Barbie Doll" for him, how sad....excellent tale, I loved it.

    Penelope Anne
    http://wannabeawritersomeday.blogspot.com/2008/01/sunday-scribblings-date.html

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  32. What great little gems, these are.
    You really captured the essence of the young man on his first date. Too bad it didn't have a happier ending :)

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  33. poor guy... it's first date!!

    Love your stories...

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  34. dear sir,

    you write wonderfully. however, the sunday scribblings was my favorite today.

    unrequited playground love. bittersweet. *sigh*

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  35. I always enjoy reading here, your words are entertaining yet real. A great post- I really felt for the young man though, how sad.

    This is a great place to lose myself...thanks Keith.

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  36. great post! enjoyed all three of those dates...

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