Not long 'til Christmas!

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‘tis the season to be jolly

Twinkling trees and wreathes of holly

Kids write notes to Santa Claus

Carol singers knock on doors.

In the next few days I’ll be getting my decorations out of the cupboard and scattering them around my apartment in readiness for the Christmas holidays. I’ll be wrapping gifts and placing them below my tree whilst singing along to seasonal songs and carols.

But how things have changed. Christmas as we know it today started in the Victorian era of the early 1800s. Father Christmas made his first appearance as did the festive feast although it was to be some years before turkey appeared on the dinner table. The giving of gifts and pulling of crackers, singing around the piano and kissing under the mistletoe.

Today Christmas comes early. For a couple of months now, our shops have been bursting at the seams with cards and affordable presents. For several weeks the streets of our towns and villages have been lined with lights and our shopping malls have echoed with the sound of seasonal music.

As I was sorting out my decorations my mind went back to my childhood. I remember going to bed on Christmas Eve leaving the rooms below looking exactly as they did on any other day of the year. I remember waking early in the morning to find a stocking full of goodies on the end of my bed which Santa Claus had dropped in while I was asleep. After unwrapping pencils and yoyos and tipping out oranges and nuts it was time to go downstairs for breakfast, and then return to my room to put on my best clothes.

Only then were we allowed to enter the living room which during the night had been transformed into an Aladdin’s cave criss-crossed with brightly coloured garlands, and massive paper bells. A tree which reached the ceiling laden with baubles and glistening little lights, stood guard over a pile of presents and a glowing fire which crackled and hissed in the grate below.

It was better back then. At least, I think so. Today, so much goes into preparation that the day itself is something of an anti climax. By the time the day arrives the tree is dropping its needles and you’ve heard more than enough of Christmas music.

So why am I writing this now? Why has my blog taken on a Christmassy look so soon? Why am I already decorating my home? After all there are still another nine days to go.

I don’t really know!

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My Christmas Quintet

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In the bleak mid-winter

Frosty wind made moan,

Earth stood hard as iron,

Water like a stone

So wrote Christina Rossetti in 1872 in the opening verse of her poem In The Bleak Midwinter. This emotive piece when sung to the magnificent music of Harold Darke lifts my spirits, and for me sums up the Christmas message in just five short verses.

2. I can’t claim to be a regular church goer, but there is one service which draws me into God’s house each year. It's the Midnight Mass when folk converge on the church from every direction to see in Christmas. There we witness the blessing of the crib, we sing carols, pray and ponder on the magic and mystery of this very special celebration.


3. Christmas day is a series of smells! From the smoky aroma of bacon and sausages which wafts from the kitchen at breakfast time, to the cinnamon scent of mulled wine. The air is filled with the smell of roasting turkey and the sweet bouquet of mince pies and cake.


4. Phone calls from family members in faraway places bring back memories of years ago when as children they unwrapped their gifts at our feet. Innocent times when they had not a care in the world, when we were one happy family gathered around the Christmas tree.


5. Since the early 1400’s the English meal has finished with a Christmas Pudding. This rich desert is thick with raisins, sultanas and currents. It is normally made weeks before the big day, and tradition demands that the children of the house stir the mixture whilst makin a wish. Silver coins are often added to the pudding before it is lowered into a pot of boiling water and cooked for hours and hours. When the pudding is about to be served, the house lights are turned out and the pudding is carried into the dining room enveloped in the purple and red flames of burning brandy. Topped with rich brandy butter, it makes a perfect end to the most important meal of the year.


I would like to end as I started with more words from In The Bleak Midwinter, this time the final verse.

What can I give him

Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd
I would bring a lamb,
If I were a wise man
I would do my part,
Yet what I can I give Him
Give my heart.

A great big thankyou to my special friend Jadey who suggested I write this piece

What goes oh, oh oh? Santa walking backwards!

A train full of tortoises crashed into a busload of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

Way back in the seventeenth century a confectioner by the name of Tom Smith was producing his range of candies in London. Most popular were his bon-bons, small sweets wrapped in a twist of paper.

Q: What do baby apes sleep in?

A: Apricots

Tom Smith was always looking for new ideas to increase his business and one day, inspired by the Chinese fortune cookies, he hit on the idea of inserting a motto inside the wrapper.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No idea.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

A: Still no idea

One evening he was sitting in front of his log fire when he heard a loud crackle come from a burning log. He decided it would be fun to add a crackle to his bon-bons.

Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

A: Deep pan, crisp and even.

It was decided that the wrapping should be made much larger so that two people could each hold an end each then pull. For the bang he used strips of card impregnated with a chemical similar to that used in cap guns which detonated by friction. The cracker as it was now to be called, was designed to break unevenly, and the person ending up with the larger end won the contents!

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A: A carrot.

They were an instant success and in no time at all rival companies copied them. It was then time to break away and develop the cracker we know and love today.

Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

A: Up his sleevies

In 1847 the candy disappeared to be replaced by a small gift, a paper hat or crown, and of course the motto. The motto had now become a quotation from a great book or a few lines from a famous poem.

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"What's in a name? That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet."

The final change came early in the twentieth century when the motto became a short joke. They were usually un-funny as they are today, and designed to invoke a groan and a smile rather than a proper laugh!

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "Can you drive this thing?"

Today the most important decorative touch on the Christmas dinner table is the placing of a Christmas cracker beside each place setting. The annual ritual of crossing arms and holding the end of a cracker in each hand is the climax to the Christmas feast. One by one we recite our jokes and then crawl around the floor in search of our tacky little trinkets!

There were two cannibals eating a clown and one says "Does this taste funny to you?"


I’ve bought blue and silver crackers this year!

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A man goes to the doctor with a parrot growing out of his head. The doctor says "My God - how did that happen?" and the parrot says "Well doctor, it started as a boil on my backside."

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A Silly Christmas poem!

Ok, so this is bad! It’s a dreadful attempt at poetry, but I just had to write it! The rhyme is corny, it doesn’t flow and I’ve used any ‘ole words as long as they fit! But I had a real laugh laying it down and I make no apologies for thrusting it at you. And by the way, can I remind my American friends that in England a fag is a cigarette not the other thing! Here goes!



‘Twas Christmas Eve and three men died,
and climbed the stairs to heaven.
But when they knocked on Peter’s gate
He said they’d have to sit and wait.

‘It’s Christmas Eve, I need my rest
My annual holiday’,
They pleaded, begged down on their knees’
‘tis Christmas help us please..’

‘OK’ said Peter, ‘here’s what I’ll do
I’ll set a test for all of you.
If you can give me festive cheer
Then there’s a place for you in here’

The first man thought and suddenly
His cell phone rang and rang.
St Peter said ‘that sound will do
I’m going to let you walk on through’

‘You see’ he said,’ it sounds like bells,
bells on Christmas day’
‘Come on in, sit right down’
You can wear my pearly crown.

The second man lit up a fag
He lit it with a match
‘That’s great’ said Peter,’ that will do,
You can come on in here too!’

You see he said, that’s just like lights
Lights I had at home.
Like Christmas candles on my shelf
You’ve taken me outside myself.

The third man wondered what to do
His mind was just a blank.
Then he remembered what he did
That caused his heart to shoot it’s lid.

He plunged his arm into his bag
And rummaged through his bits.
Then held his hand up really high
and waved a thong up in the sky!

‘That’s not festive’ Peter said
‘It’s intimate apparel’
‘It’s Christmassy’ the dead man said
'Because this thong is Carols!'
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