Wednesday, September 06, 2017

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Post 1597. Wednesday September 6



This is a brutally edited version of a longer story I wrote some years ago which received very few hits. It's not in my normal style but I thought I'd give it another go anyway! 



A steely gaze hides the scars I bear within. The hill is high, the path steep, but I climb regardless for I need to reach the summit. Only there can I commune with the spirit which comforts me whilst suffering my restless sleep. Only there will the fire of anger that rages within me be extinguished, and light drive out the darkness.


If there is indeed a God, will he forgive me the vengefulness I feel toward her? Surely the unholy sin she perpetrated upon me is unpardonable. May she stand naked before her maker and beg for the mercy she does not deserve.


Word count 102


Thanks to Rochelle for hosting and Danny Bowman for the photo.


66 comments:

  1. Dear Keith,

    His rage is tangible in this powerful piece. Well done.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

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  2. Makes me wonder who committed the greater sin.

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  3. You express his anger well. Makes me want to know the rest of the story.

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    1. I may build a story around it. Could be fun! Thanks Ruth

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  4. You've done a good job on this. Feelings of the "wronged person" very well described. If we take a page from real life, his resentment will eat him alive while she goes merrily on her way, thinking, "He'll get over it." :(
    Christine/Swallow

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    1. I felt he had reached braking point and for him the only way was up, literally.

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  5. Not in your usual style but equally compelling, a good scene of steely grit.

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  6. A very well written piece. I enjoyed the emotions that were felt!

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  7. This might have been brutally edited, but it works just fine. The raw emotions felt by the narrator comes through perfectly. Keith, could you provide a link for the longer version? Cheers, Varad

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    1. In retrospect the original was not something to be proud of, but I am considering rewriting it! Thanks Varad

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  8. The point of view express well how a sinner rationalize his sins... it's really someone else. I'm the real victim... great write.

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  9. And just what did he do to warrant her 'unpardonable sin'?

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    1. I have no idea, he wouldn't tell me! Cheers Denise

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  10. The raw hurt is visible in his words. But what sin has she committed? Would like to read your original story, Keith.
    https://ideasolsi65.blogspot.in/2017/09/the-fort.html

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    1. Thanks Kalpana. I will probably rewrite it it some time soon.

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  11. This certainly was a change from your usual style. Very dramatic. Well done.

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    1. A change is as good as a rest or so they say! Thanks Sandra.

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  12. Unforgiveness eats at him, and will destroy him if he's not careful.

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    1. I felt this was his last chance. Thanks mimi

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  13. I don't ever think it's wrong to write about what we feel. I think it's when we keep all those negative things inside that they turn to poison. Well written, Keith.

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  14. That's one angry man. You did capture his anger very graphically.

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  15. I like the way you give his anger tangibility by making the hill high, and the path steep. The physical exertion that he finds essential is a good metaphor.

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    1. I'm pleased it had the desired effect. Thank so much Penny

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  16. Letting go of the desire for vengeance against those who have wronged us can be terribly hard, I agree, and yet it hurts us more than it hurts the other person. You portray that emotion and that struggle so well!

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    1. Your generous words are really appreciated, especially as I had no idea how my change of direction would go down.

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  17. I would love to read the original story. And I like the concept of God's Maker (if I am getting it right) ....

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  18. Powerful story, Keith.
    look forward to reading the longer version, someday .

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  19. He has a way to go before finding peace I think. Very raw, nice one!

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    1. I think you are right Alistar. Cheers

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  20. This could have been penned by my son, who broke up with his girlfriend this week.

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    1. Oh dear. I hope he manages to get over it soon without too much pain.

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  21. it all goes downhill once he has reached the summit. i think it's time for him to see a professional.

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    1. Now that's a good idea! Thanks plaridel.

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  22. Hi Keith - lots of complimentary comments - which I agree with. He has a lot to deal with ... and these thoughts I don't think will bring that closure ... somehow he needs to heal too - well written ... deserving more for us to read - take care - cheers Hilary

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    1. Thanks to adding your voice to the flattering comments I've received Hilary!

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  23. His rage and anguish was palpable - makes one wonder about their story.

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    1. Me too Dahlia and I wrote it! Thanks so much, and may I say how much I enjoyed your three-parter this week.

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  24. Great writing, Keith. There is raw emotion and a lot of anger in that narrator. I don't think he'll find closure as long as he doesn't find some blame in himself, too (or maybe specifies her unpardonable sin).

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    1. There usually are two sides to every story. She might well tell it very differently. Thanks Ga H

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  25. Wow and I thought that a woman scorned was angry! Well done.

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    1. Tell me about it lindybee! Thanks so much.

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  26. Very different and I like it. Love the prose and style. Looks like his rage is putting him one step away from a terrible vengeful act.

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    1. That's exactly as I saw it when writing. Cheers Fatima

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  27. I really loved this, Keith and have been there myself.Very well done.
    xx Rowena

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  28. There's some wrathful talking there! Man needs to move on. Great wriet Keith :)

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    1. I'm hoping that by now he has! Thanks Lynn

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  29. I empathize with her. Him?

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  30. Such a strong piece. He feels very hurt wronged. I hope he can find peace and comfort with the spirits.

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  31. Very powerfully written, Keith. I can't imagine what the longer version was but this "brutally edited" version works really well.

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    1. Fortunately it would sem so! Cheers Dale

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  32. This is very well done. I am glad that he is climbing towards his spirituality rather than doing something that he would regret.

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