Post 1597. Wednesday September 6
This is a brutally edited version of a longer story I wrote some years ago which received very few hits. It's not in my normal style but I thought I'd give it another go anyway!
A steely gaze hides the scars I bear within. The hill is high, the path steep, but I climb regardless for I need to reach the summit. Only there can I commune with the spirit which comforts me whilst suffering my restless sleep. Only there will the fire of anger that rages within me be extinguished, and light drive out the darkness.
If there is indeed a God, will he forgive me the vengefulness I feel toward her? Surely the unholy sin she perpetrated upon me is unpardonable. May she stand naked before her maker and beg for the mercy she does not deserve.
Word count 102
Thanks to Rochelle for hosting and Danny Bowman for the photo.
Dear Keith,
ReplyDeleteHis rage is tangible in this powerful piece. Well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Thank you so much Rochelle
DeleteMakes me wonder who committed the greater sin.
ReplyDelete...for you to decide! Cheers James
DeleteYou express his anger well. Makes me want to know the rest of the story.
ReplyDeleteI may build a story around it. Could be fun! Thanks Ruth
DeleteYou've done a good job on this. Feelings of the "wronged person" very well described. If we take a page from real life, his resentment will eat him alive while she goes merrily on her way, thinking, "He'll get over it." :(
ReplyDeleteChristine/Swallow
I felt he had reached braking point and for him the only way was up, literally.
DeleteNot in your usual style but equally compelling, a good scene of steely grit.
ReplyDeleteI'm pleased it worked! Cheers Iain
DeleteA very well written piece. I enjoyed the emotions that were felt!
ReplyDeleteMuch appreciated, thank you.
DeleteThis might have been brutally edited, but it works just fine. The raw emotions felt by the narrator comes through perfectly. Keith, could you provide a link for the longer version? Cheers, Varad
ReplyDeleteIn retrospect the original was not something to be proud of, but I am considering rewriting it! Thanks Varad
DeleteThe point of view express well how a sinner rationalize his sins... it's really someone else. I'm the real victim... great write.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much brudberg.
DeleteAnd just what did he do to warrant her 'unpardonable sin'?
ReplyDeleteI have no idea, he wouldn't tell me! Cheers Denise
DeleteThe raw hurt is visible in his words. But what sin has she committed? Would like to read your original story, Keith.
ReplyDeletehttps://ideasolsi65.blogspot.in/2017/09/the-fort.html
Thanks Kalpana. I will probably rewrite it it some time soon.
DeleteThis certainly was a change from your usual style. Very dramatic. Well done.
ReplyDeleteA change is as good as a rest or so they say! Thanks Sandra.
DeleteUnforgiveness eats at him, and will destroy him if he's not careful.
ReplyDeleteI felt this was his last chance. Thanks mimi
DeleteI don't ever think it's wrong to write about what we feel. I think it's when we keep all those negative things inside that they turn to poison. Well written, Keith.
ReplyDeleteSo true. Thanks very much
DeleteThat's one angry man. You did capture his anger very graphically.
ReplyDeleteHope he didn't frighten you!
DeleteI like the way you give his anger tangibility by making the hill high, and the path steep. The physical exertion that he finds essential is a good metaphor.
ReplyDeleteI'm pleased it had the desired effect. Thank so much Penny
DeleteLetting go of the desire for vengeance against those who have wronged us can be terribly hard, I agree, and yet it hurts us more than it hurts the other person. You portray that emotion and that struggle so well!
ReplyDeleteYour generous words are really appreciated, especially as I had no idea how my change of direction would go down.
DeleteI would love to read the original story. And I like the concept of God's Maker (if I am getting it right) ....
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Reena
DeletePowerful story, Keith.
ReplyDeletelook forward to reading the longer version, someday .
Thanks moon - I'm working on it now!
DeleteHe has a way to go before finding peace I think. Very raw, nice one!
ReplyDeleteI think you are right Alistar. Cheers
DeleteThis could have been penned by my son, who broke up with his girlfriend this week.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. I hope he manages to get over it soon without too much pain.
Deleteit all goes downhill once he has reached the summit. i think it's time for him to see a professional.
ReplyDeleteNow that's a good idea! Thanks plaridel.
DeleteHi Keith - lots of complimentary comments - which I agree with. He has a lot to deal with ... and these thoughts I don't think will bring that closure ... somehow he needs to heal too - well written ... deserving more for us to read - take care - cheers Hilary
ReplyDeleteThanks to adding your voice to the flattering comments I've received Hilary!
DeleteGreat word-smithy.
ReplyDeleteThank you kindly!
DeleteHis rage and anguish was palpable - makes one wonder about their story.
ReplyDeleteMe too Dahlia and I wrote it! Thanks so much, and may I say how much I enjoyed your three-parter this week.
DeleteGreat writing, Keith. There is raw emotion and a lot of anger in that narrator. I don't think he'll find closure as long as he doesn't find some blame in himself, too (or maybe specifies her unpardonable sin).
ReplyDeleteThere usually are two sides to every story. She might well tell it very differently. Thanks Ga H
DeleteWow and I thought that a woman scorned was angry! Well done.
ReplyDeleteTell me about it lindybee! Thanks so much.
DeleteVery different and I like it. Love the prose and style. Looks like his rage is putting him one step away from a terrible vengeful act.
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly as I saw it when writing. Cheers Fatima
DeleteI really loved this, Keith and have been there myself.Very well done.
ReplyDeletexx Rowena
You clearly survived! Thanks Rowena
DeleteThere's some wrathful talking there! Man needs to move on. Great wriet Keith :)
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping that by now he has! Thanks Lynn
DeleteI empathize with her. Him?
ReplyDeleteHim! Thanks for dropping by Dawn
DeleteSuch a strong piece. He feels very hurt wronged. I hope he can find peace and comfort with the spirits.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sarah
DeleteVery powerfully written, Keith. I can't imagine what the longer version was but this "brutally edited" version works really well.
ReplyDeleteFortunately it would sem so! Cheers Dale
DeleteThis is very well done. I am glad that he is climbing towards his spirituality rather than doing something that he would regret.
ReplyDeleteVery true. Thank you Sasha
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