As acting jobs go, this has to be the oddest I've undertaken. I can see you looking for me. Hello, I’m over here – on the wall - the white carved face!
I stand very still on a platform behind the set and poke my head through this hole. It’s a funny role. I stay dead still, only speaking when the stage is empty between scenes. According to the programme, I am The Narrator. On page five, see?
My make up takes ages. And it itches. I can’t have a scratch though, so I suffer in stillness. One day, I sneezed and an ear fell off. You should have heard the laughter!
I watch the audience. They smile, they frown, they cry, they eat sweets. There was someone in the front row eating chocolate cake the other day. My mouth watered – literally. I dribbled like a gargoyle.
At the end of the play, the actors link hands and bow. I don’t. I continue to stand there stony faced. Then they part in the middle, turn, and point at me. I smile.
So, another performance over! I’ll get this muck off my face and meet you in the pub in ten. Mine's a Stones on ice!