Thursday, August 20, 2009

Hide and seek

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My story is of two events in the life of one person, the first during childhood and the other as an adult. It brings together the prompts from Sunday Scribblings, Adult, and (Fiction) Friday, Hide and Seek.
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August 1979
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It was pitch dark in the cupboard under the stairs. It was so eerily quiet she could hear her own heart beating. ‘Let’s play hide and seek’ her friends had said. ‘You hide,we’ll count to twenty and then we’ll come looking for you’.
Why was it so quiet? Why couldn’t she hear her friends running around in search of her? They must be creeping around in the hope of luring her out. They must have thought she would take a little peep out of the door and then they’d pounce on her! She was shaking with excitement. This was going to be the best fun she’d had for ages..
Minutes later it was still silent. Perhaps they were having trouble finding her she thought. Sitting in the dark wasn’t so much fun now. Why was it so quiet?
Suddenly something tickled her forehead. She leapt out of the cupboard frantically ruffling her hair with her hands. It must have been a little spider. She expected her friends to come running toward her laughing, but there was no one to be seen. They must have decided to leave her and go out to play, it was not the first time it had happened. A tear trickled down her cheek.
She was alone in the house. So alone.
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August 2009

It was her husband's birthday and she thought she'd surprise him. He'd said he would be late home from the office because he had a meeting to attend, so she decided to make his homecoming a bit special. She prepared a meal fit for a king, put champagne on ice and scattered red rose petals across the table. Then she changed into the most alluring dress she could find. Just before he was due to arrive home she lit some candles and hid behind the door to the dining room.

She waited for what seemed like an eternity. Several times she thought she heard his car pulling into the driveway, but it must have been the neighbours.
Then she heard a key in the lock and the front door opening. She could feel her heart pounding with excitement. She waited for him to come into the room. And she waited and she waited. Eventually she ventured out from her hiding place. He was nowhere to be seen. On the hall table she found his note. She didn't need to read it. A tear trickled down her cheek.
She was alone in the house. So alone.


PS. A quick plug for my friend Rosey who has written an 'interesting' piece for Sunday Scribbs! Click here.
And another thing! The new Carry On Tuesday prompt is ready and waiting right here!
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23 comments:

  1. this is such a sad tale...

    I have known some people with whom abandonment is a repeated process...

    My heart goes out to her!

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  2. that was poignant... been out of circulation for a while.. its good to be back.. do come and read my posts.. am in India and saw some wonderful sights on this trip :) Also just discovered your (not so) new venture.. carry on Tuesday.. looking forward to taking part in that soon.. as soon as I get back from vacation!! :)

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  3. That made me sad. You did a nice job of portraying the feeling of elation at the beginning and the contrasting sadness at the end. I reealy wanted to go hug this little girl!

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  4. Wow that was sad! Its like she's always alone.

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  5. Aww :( That made me tear up a little. How sad! (but how good that you were able to convey that emotion in your story)

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  6. Even though I knew what was coming at the end of the second part, I was still bummed out. You wrote this well.

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  7. Nicely done! Seems we all felt the sadness of the piece, which brought life into your character. Bravo!

    That's my two pence...
    Arial ;)

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  8. life does seem to repeat itself' she should know better than to marry the jerk she was playing hide and seek with.

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  9. Keith this is such a stark reminder of sound of silence. It's terrifying thinking of being abandoned, left alone.

    Strong write!! Well done.

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  10. Sad but so cleverly done. The two together work so well. some things just never change.

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  11. God Keith! That could be any one of us at different times couldn't it? I want to hug her and comfort her.

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  12. Hello Keith,
    That was indeed a touching weave. Those repetitive scene of being alone kind of stands out to really touch the soul. Love the way you write.

    Thanks for COT.I enjoy being there.

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  13. nice weave between the two...

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  14. I like how you did this - hurt is hurt no matter how big we grow.

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  15. a cycle none of us want to ride...alas so many do...

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  16. Deep, sad. Enjoyed reading

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  17. Hi Keith. Long time no see! Thought I'd drop by to say hi.
    Beautiful and sad, is this story. I could feel her excitement, dissappointment.
    Take care
    Tory
    P.S. I want to live in a castle!!

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  18. This was a beautiful weave of both challenges.

    Heartbreaking in its truth.

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  19. This was a beautiful weave of both challenges.

    Heartbreaking in its truth.

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  20. Well-written and the message struck home. You managed to portray the loneliness each of us feels despite the people surrounding us in our day to day lives. I particularly liked the straightforward manner you depicted each scene, and the few simple words you used to end it beautifully to create that powerful impact of utter loneliness.

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  21. So now I am an emotional mess. Well maybe not that bad but close. You sure pulled on the emotions with this one.
    Well done.

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  22. A wonderful technique utilized here Keith - you portray the loneliness and heart achingly dreadfully prominent in both scenes.
    I think this is the best piece I have read of yours - I really enjoyed it...
    Visitors can suggest my next weeks genre or see my entry for this week here
    FF here - http://annieevett.blogspot.com/2009/08/seeking-sunjuro.html I have given myself a challenge for FF - to write in a different genre each week. This week I tried my hand at Wuxia -

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