The final act

Written for Carry OnTuesday ‘In My Room’ and Sunday Scribblings ‘Reflect’


Scene 4 of 4

Location: Humphrey’s fifth floor apartment.
Curtain up.

Humphrey: sit at desk head in hands.

Audio: knock at door.

Humphrey.  Enter. The door is unsecured.

Prudence:  enter door stage left

Prudence. My dearest brother, what ails you? Why do you not answer your telephone? I’ve been awfully concerned.

Humphrey:  turn to face Prudence

Humphrey. Prudence dear heart, do not be troubled on my part. I needed time alone, time to reflect on what has been and what is to be.

Humphrey:  stand.

Prudence. But Humphrey, you’ve been in your room for days. Why, you look so distressed, unkempt. Your face has not seen the blade of a razor for days, and your smoking jacket is soiled with lord knows what. It looks like bird shit. Where is your parrot? The cage door stands open. And what is that stain upon your trousers. Oh, perhaps I do not need to know. My dear, the pong in here is causing me to become all unnecessary. My salts, I need my smelling salts.

Prudence: fall onto chaise long and fumble in handbag whilst fanning face with other hand. Pull out a bottle of gin.

Prudence. I presume you have no clean glasses Humphrey. Oh, what the hell - bottoms up!

Prudence: drink from bottle.

Humphrey.  Do you think that’s wise dearest? You know how little it takes to make you pissed as a fart.  

Prudence. Do not cause me to LOL. Last time we dined together you became drunk as a skunk. But back to matters in hand. Why have you become a recluse of late?

Humphrey. I enlightened you earlier you airhead; I needed time to ruminate, cogitate and ponder.

Humphrey: place both hands on chest in position of heart. Look earnest.
Audo: Love Story theme.

Humphrey. You see, when I am here in my room it is as if I were an actor, a performer upon the stage that is life. All of life’s dramas have been played out here. Here I have...
Audio: stop. 

Prudence: finish drinking from bottle and throw out of balcony door. Appear inebriated.

Audio: sound of cat screeching

Prudence. You always were a drama queen Humpy, Humpty, Dumpty, ha ha! I called you Humpty Dumpty!

Humphrey. Drama queen? Moi? Je suis blesse! In any case, where is the shame in wearing the occasional frock? And you must agree Pru dearest, that I look terribly fetching in my diamond tiara. And you... you.... you have thespian tendencies yourself.

Prudence: try to stand but fall back on chaise long.

Prudence. How dare you bring my sweet friend Felicity into this.We share nothing but a room.

Humphrey: stare at floor

Humphrey. I wouldn’t have wanted you to witness this Pru darling. The time I have spent in my room, reflecting, has led me to realize that my work on this earth is done. Here on life’s stage I’ve taken part in comedies, tragedies and even the occasional soap opera, but now I face my final curtain. Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again too few to mention........

Prudence. Oh for goodness sake put a sock in your cake hole. I’m beginning to wish I’d brought my violin. I say dear boy, perchance you have some gin?

Humphrey: stroll across room onto balcony. Sit on low wall facing Prudence.

Prudence. Humpty, I mean Humphrey, why do you sit on the wall? Don’t do it, at least not a great fall. Consider the poor unsuspecting buggers down below in the street. Here, I have a bottle pills you can take.  

Humphrey. Sorry old thing, I have to do it. But before I do, may I ask something of you? Will you please place the record that’s lying on the table onto the gramophone?

Prudence. As long as it’s not My Way. I never could stand Old Red Eyes

Humphrey. Blue Eyes Pru. Blue Eyes.

Prudence: place disc on record player, slowly place needle on record. Walk towards Humphrey and take both his hands.

Humphrey. Talley Ho ‘ole gel. Time to go.

Humphrey: fall backwards pulling Prudence with you.

Prudence: fall head-first over wall.

Audio: You and I, Lady GaGa.

Curtain down