Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Hanas story


Dear friends, I’m going to ask a favour of you. I have a 15 year old assistant working in my kitchen. She’s called Hana, and she recently wrote a couple of stories. I find this refreshingly different in an age when teenagers mind’s are mainly on other worldly matters!

She has received comments from readers of this story ranging from ‘you are seriously weird’ to ‘too many full stops’! And by the way, it is pure fiction! I’ve copied it exactly as she wrote it. I’ve changed nothing – not even a full stop! By way of encouragement it would be great if you could give her some constructive comments. Thanks.




It was an ice cold night, the wind howled ferociously through the trees. I was just returning back from the shop with my new puppy. He was the cutest little puppy ever. He was a late Christmas present to me and he was my life. Everything I did was for him. I thought as there was no one around I would release him from his leach. Big mistake! At first he was fine bounding through the park, enjoying the time out of the house. I turned my back for a second, then he was gone. Totally out of sight.

I started calling for him, then shouting for him. Before I knew it, I was blindly tearing around the park. There was a loud, clear whistle followed by a high pitched howl. I stood tensely, tears flooding down my face. How could I have been so stupid? A thirteen week old puppy, off the lead at nine o’clock at night. My lungs suddenly came to a halt. It was like there was an elastic band squeezing my throat to stop me breathing.Then I saw a pallid face, expressionless with eyes that stared right through you, with bold, angry slashes covering the cheeks.

'
I stared motionless at it. Before I realised what it was. I turned around and started running home. I dropped the shopping in my state of hysterics. In my hurry to get home, I started seeing strange shadows on the walls of the houses. I ran even faster, then I stumbled and fell, face first into a pool of murky rain water. I lifted my face and peered down into the puddle. The moonlight shone on the pool of water. As I looked down I saw my reflection and staring back over my shoulder was the face.

My heart was thudding, I closed my eyes and wished that I could be back home with my puppy safe and sound. I looked behind me. It was gone.

I got up onto my jelly like legs and cautiously walked home.

When I got in, I called for my mum to tell her about the puppy. But there was no reply. This was very peculiar as since my dad died, she never left the house. This was when I heard it, a groaning noise coming from the basement. I opened the door, turned on the light it was then I found my mum.

She was hanging, lifelessly from the fan. A chair had been kicked over underneath her. I ran over to her, not quite believing what had already happened this evening let alone this. I tried to lift her to loosen the rope around her neck. Blood was dripping out of her mouth and soaking through her clothes. The thing that stood out the most was that she was wearing her wedding dress. I had not seen her wearing this since the wedding. Even though she was dead she looked amazing, so happy like she did every time she saw my dad. She was so different to what she normally looked like. She normally wore trackie bottoms with her hair tied back in a ponytail. But she had her hair down and curled. I stood there realising that my mum was dead. She would never be there for me again. Not at my graduation, when I get married and to see her grandchildren. I leant forward and gave her a kiss and said a few words to her.
'
I went to get the phone to ring the police when I heard something it sounded like a cough, a man’s cough. I froze. Maybe it wasn’t my mum who did this. My palms were sweating. I stated breathing heavily. I could hear footsteps coming closer toward the door. I was panicking. What do I do? I opened the window and squeezed out. I was leaning against the wall and looked up at the open window. It was the face, it was n my house. Staring straight out of the window. I put my head down in my lap. I asked myself what was this thing? And why was it following me?
.
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10 comments:

  1. I like the story very much but it needs to be longer and given more substance. Great imagination! This could be a super story with a little more work.

    Yes, too many full stops. A little more description of the face, the dog and the surroundings could be had too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Beaman, thank you so much. This is exactly what I'm looking for

    ReplyDelete
  3. Keith I think Hanah did a great job. I think there could be more of a plot and more in between but good first piece.

    Okay in the first paragraph
    cutest puppy ever. instead of the period I would end it with the exclamation point you're happy.

    1st paragraph again, release him from his leach should be leash.

    3rd paragraph dropped the shopping would sound better to say dropped the groceries.

    4th para my heart was thudding. Would sound better as my heart was pounding.

    7th paragraph the long one she was so different to what she normally looked like would sound better if it was, she was so different from what instead of to what.

    same paragraph I leaned not leant

    8th paragraph I think to call the police would sound better than to ring the police.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Jadey, thank you so much. That certainly is a detailed critique. Your final point is interesting since I think it highlights a
    variation in your English and ours! Viva la difference!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Awwww, I am so happy to see a young lady writing a story instead of text messaging!!!!!!!!! Keep up the good work and the best advice I can give is...

    The more you write, the more you imrove and also read, read, read!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey beautiful Hana....

    One of the techniques I use when I'm writing, especially if I'm trying to write a story that is building to a climax like yours is that I read it out loud. Then, I can see how I can mix up the length of the sentences and hear how certain words flow together or not. I can also hear the "pulse" of the story in how I can or cannot emphasize certain phrases.

    I see and hear all of this in your story.....and encourage you to expand some of your sentences and elaborate on the descriptives and the FEELING words..... It most definately has a grip to it.

    I want to know who that nasty man is!!

    have fun with it.

    hope this helps.

    dana

    ReplyDelete
  7. hey Keith! I am in NO way an expert on writing and even though I understand what the above comments were trying to convey, I would like to share that as just a "reader"... I Was really enjoying Hannahs story!! I was so caught up and I thought It WAS very descript, I was disappointed that it just ended right there... Is she working on an ending? It would be great to tie it all together ( and for my sake... let the puppy be okay! haha)
    thanks for sharing this Keith, Hannah is lucky to have a supportive adult in her life. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. The story ended abruptly...
    as far as grammar and punctuation goes, i think you learn along the way...

    the more she reads, and writes, the more she would be able to pinpoint her own flaws...

    the most important thing is that she writes and i hope she is never discouraged from doing that..

    she indeed is lucky to have u as a mentor around

    ReplyDelete
  9. Karen - I didn't say she NEVER texts!

    Dana - incase you are wondering - no, the nasty man isn't me!

    Lucy - I hope she will now be encouraged to continue this story

    Suma - you are so right about grammar and punctuation. I still struggle!

    ReplyDelete
  10. i enjoyed it much, Hannah has plenty of talent, ask her to continue writing...that's the only way to improve. I enjoyed it immensely..

    ReplyDelete

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