Sunday, June 03, 2007

Getting married? A word in your ear dear boy!

Having had three weddings, you would assume I 've had enough experience to write a book on the subject.
Possibly a book on how to get it wrong would be an easier task!
I therefore place before you a few things you should bear in mind based on personal experience.
Always remember what your bride looks like, particularly if you have been married several times before. I carry a photo to the ceremony just in case.
Turn up at the right venue. Sounds obvious, but it's an easy mistake to make especially if you've had a drink or twenty the night before. There's nothing worse than turning up at the wrong wedding and attempting to steal someone elses bride!
Assuming everything has gone alright up to now, make a point of treating every arriving guest as a long lost friend or relative even if you have no idea who they are. Try however not to enter into conversation. This is a minefield. Saying to someone that she doesn't look old enough to be your bride's grandmother, only to discover she's her sister, is not a good way to ingratiate yourself with her family.
Make sure your best man has the ring. Do not under any circumstances give it to him the night before, or he may use it to obtain credit at the tenth bar you stagger in to.
Very important this. Whatever you do, don't get a fit of the giggles during the vows. I suggest you avoid looking into your brides eyes during this part, especially during the bit about procreation.
The next obstacle is the reception. You are expected to join a line and make inane small talk with your guests. Trouble is, who to you kiss and who not to. Clearly kissing old uncle Albert is not a good idea, but the tedium of this ritual sometimes lulls you away into your private thoughts, and you can easily plant a smacker on the wrong cheek!
This is also important. Avoid kissing the chief bridesmaid on the lips, however friendly you were the night before. Could be a bit of a giveaway!
Speech should be a doddle. They will laugh at anything you say. This is where you thank the bridesmaids, not in private later.
Then the first dance. Nightmare for anyone like me with two left feet. It is also wise to dance with your newly acquired mother in law. Be careful however where you place your hands. Don't want to give the impression that you have anything irregular in mind.
Don't have too much to drink. This is not the place for announcing home truths - it could cause problems, and a fist fight at a wedding is not a good start to your life of married bliss.
Almost over and you can relax until the time comes to carry her over the threshold. Try not to drop her, or suggest she joins Weight watchers.
So ends the happiest day of your life - again! Here's to the next one!


  1. Keith, I find myself laughing with great amusement over this bit...Aw such is the joy of getting married...I have decided if I should marry again and I hope I will be very informal and outside, with just a few guest...Later after the honeymoon then have a nice dinner with everyone invited...People lose themselves in the details and not in the importance of the event...

    Great humorous and enjoyable write.

  2. Oh for the love of god! LOL very funny Keith. Whatever you do do you really want the next possible bride to read this article? LOL

  3. All of your secrets are safe with me Keith, at least until after the Beringer Howell Mountain Merlot does its magic.


  4. Keith dear, you have just reminded my of why I stayed single. Loved this ramble.

  5. Thanks for your comments and observations! I submitted this article on Helium, and a week on it has sunk to 11 of 11! Are the Heliumites trying to trell me something?

  6. Hiya Keith - well I enjoyed it but a rather cynical look perhaps?

    Ratings are a very weird thing - who knows how they sort themselves out? I have articles that I would've rated low but seem to be rising and vice versa!

    I've stopped worrying about it :)

  7. I think I want to be wife number four. Everytime I read anything Keith writes I chuckle, I chortle, I guffaw, I snort my coffee all over my monitor... and I find myself grinning long afterwards when a tidbit that tickled me sprints across my thoughts.

    I can send a picture if need be for the ceremony.


  8. :)... :), ah such comedy, i am crying with laughter :)



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