Getting married? A word in your ear dear boy!

Having had three weddings, you would assume I 've had enough experience to write a book on the subject.

Wrong!

Possibly a book on how to get it wrong would be an easier task!

I therefore place before you a few things you should bear in mind based on personal experience.

Always remember what your bride looks like, particularly if you have been married several times before. I carry a photo to the ceremony just in case.

Turn up at the right venue. Sounds obvious, but it's an easy mistake to make especially if you've had a drink or twenty the night before. There's nothing worse than turning up at the wrong wedding and attempting to steal someone elses bride!

Assuming everything has gone alright up to now, make a point of treating every arriving guest as a long lost friend or relative even if you have no idea who they are. Try however not to enter into conversation. This is a minefield. Saying to someone that she doesn't look old enough to be your bride's grandmother, only to discover she's her sister, is not a good way to ingratiate yourself with her family.

Make sure your best man has the ring. Do not under any circumstances give it to him the night before, or he may use it to obtain credit at the tenth bar you stagger in to.

Very important this. Whatever you do, don't get a fit of the giggles during the vows. I suggest you avoid looking into your brides eyes during this part, especially during the bit about procreation.

The next obstacle is the reception. You are expected to join a line and make inane small talk with your guests. Trouble is, who to you kiss and who not to. Clearly kissing old uncle Albert is not a good idea, but the tedium of this ritual sometimes lulls you away into your private thoughts, and you can easily plant a smacker on the wrong cheek!

This is also important. Avoid kissing the chief bridesmaid on the lips, however friendly you were the night before. Could be a bit of a giveaway!

Speech should be a doddle. They will laugh at anything you say. This is where you thank the bridesmaids, not in private later.

Then the first dance. Nightmare for anyone like me with two left feet. It is also wise to dance with your newly acquired mother in law. Be careful however where you place your hands. Don't want to give the impression that you have anything irregular in mind.

Don't have too much to drink. This is not the place for announcing home truths - it could cause problems, and a fist fight at a wedding is not a good start to your life of married bliss.

Almost over and you can relax until the time comes to carry her over the threshold. Try not to drop her, or suggest she joins Weight watchers.

So ends the happiest day of your life - again! Here's to the next one!